From a former burned out, hyper- independent 'people pleaser' who believed rest was a dirty word.
There once was a woman who believed that her identity, her self worth and as it turns out her physical and emotional safety was connected to what and how much she was doing; rest was something she simply didn't have time for, and when there was time she just 'couldn't sit down'.
She was me and this meme couldn't have been further from '2016 me' if it tried.
I thrived off the buzz of being busy, wanted, productive, and validated for it. It was my badge of honour. I was THAT person who was always tidying around people, home so spotless it became awkward to be in. I was always working, at the gym or out socialising. My sleep was poor; my rest was no existent but surely that didn't matter? Surely a couple of holidays a year and 6 hours sleep a night was enough anyway? What was the big deal?
The big deal was ME. My health, my well being and my self compassion were non existent, not only due to my relationship with rest but also my relationship with myself.
I felt I wasn't worthy of rest; of self compassion.
I felt rest wasn't a safe space for me due to old childhood patterns
I felt I was only good enough if I was 'doing' and not 'being'
I feared stillness; I preferred not to think
I emotionally collapsed on a yoga retreat and the undoing of my patterns and beliefs began... even though I started as a yoga and meditation teacher in 2017, I was still in my old patterns; overworking and doing 'it' for others instead of myself. And then... 2020 happened and I was forced to stop and all of my repressed trauma, emotions, fear and beliefs popped right up to the surface... the inner work began on the deepest levels possible, and now?
I am very much 'into resting'.
So, what changed?
Well I will tell you lovely reader, but before you read on, a little reminder not to give yourself a hard if you resonate- it's just an opportunity to learn more about you and make some changes if you need to).
With a Psychotherapist, I learned that rest was safe, that my value was not connected to my productive output, that I didn't have to earn a rest or a holiday..I learned to love myself enough to want the best for me, and as Maslow knows, rest is not just a 'nice' thing to do; it's essential for our survival.
"inserts hierarchy of needs"
According to American psychologist Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation" one of our basic physiological needs is rest and is on the same level as food, water and shelter/warmth....so why can't we do it?
Firstly, we rely on sleep as our form of rest but in today's society its a) not enough and b) disrupted due to our circadian rhythms being out of whack, out stress levels and anxiety being too high, our and our blue light exposure disrupting brain patterns and our serotonin levels not aiding us to get a good night's sleep (not to mention hormones, particularly for women and especially in menopause and also neurodiversity).
So we need more rest than EVER, but live in a society (and our our own fear based belief systems) that ranks our worth to our output and a 'work hard, play harder' mentality, that also teaches us to strive more and more to buy bigger and better things that we don't need, in order to be validated, couple with your own 'subconscious' reasons for not doing it.
So if it isn't just sleep, what is rest?
The Cambridge dictionary says: to (cause someone or something to) stop doing a particular activity or stop being active for a period of time in order to relax and get back your strength
What this fails to describe are the types of rest we need in todays society... and that regaining strength also means regaining mental and emotional energy that comes from a down regulated central nervous system (the part of us that drives fight/flight/rest/digest).
There are currently 7 known types of rest (who knew?)
Physical (sleep, naps, doing nothing or passive/gentle movement)
Mental (a pause in processing information, meditation, mindfulness)
Emotional (authentic expression of feeling e.g. crying, releasing anger; meditation; mindfulness; pausing from emotionally draining situations)
Sensory (being in natural light, breaking from using electronic devices, soft music or silence)
Creative rest (expression: art, nature, dance, music, writing)
Social rest (taking a break from people, cultivating and 'bathing' in positive reinforcing relationships, breaking form draining social situations)
Spiritual rest (prayer, mantra, meditation, nature, community, to connect something greater outside of our daily routine or life)
Now this is all well and good, now you have a list...a long one at that ... but why can't you do these things? What's stopping you?
It's often not time, it's often not your kids, it's often not other people... its your relationship to its importance; to your importance; to getting your needs met all of which which comes from your relationship to yourself; your self worth and your self compassion.
That said, I do also acknowledge here the people that are working 2 jobs to make ends meet; the people that are caring for elderly parents alongside their work; people doing life alone and solo parenting.. all I ask you to consider is little pockets of time for you- between jobs, before you sleep, even as you walk or drive to the school/supermarket.
The way we do rest tells us how much condition we put on our own self, our worth and life as a whole.
Rest is actually rather good for us, according to google AI, which you can find here, but today I am focussing on you getting rest as a survival tool (because life is tough) and as a giver of self compassion (because you deserve it).
So why can’t you rest?
I will break down some (self-titled and written by me) categories to help explain it a little more and provoke some self- reflection into your ‘rest resistance type’
#1 - Conditional thinking
The belief that your rest has to somehow be earned. This can come from childhood conditioning (you’re a good child ‘if’ you do X; you can have X when you have done Y and also childhood experiences and/or trauma (keeping busy keeps me safe; staying still feels unsafe or allows me to feel what is happening in my life right now). It can sound like:
“I can rest when I have cleaned the kitchen and put the pots away, tided the laundry, otherwise I will just be thinking about it”
“I must get all my work completed before I go on holiday, even if that means working extra hours before I go, otherwise I won’t relax”
There is nothing wrong with a balanced work to rest ratio, but with these self- imposed conditions, you may find that your self- worth becomes attached to the work being completed and what others will ‘think of you’, so over time your rest gets less and less.
Change it up tip: Start small- grab a cup of tea before you wash the dishes- give yourself permission without fulfilling 'something' first.
#2 - Hyper-independence
Hyper- independence is a coping mechanism usually (not always) to adverse childhood experiences or trauma related to neglect, abandonment or even being left for long periods alone and having to ‘fend for yourself’ as a young age. It’s an extreme form of self- reliance, that will lead to lack of trust, difficulty sharing the workload, taking on too much, overachieving or perfectionism. It can sound like:
“I can’t stop, I’ve got to much on”
“If I don’t do it myself, it won’t get done”
‘I haven’t got time to rest”
You may feel resentful of others not doing things for you or not recognising that you need a break (people do care, but they think you’ve got it all in hand or they offer but you don’t ‘hear’ it because your inner narrative is ‘not to trust’.
Change it up tip: Delegate very small things to people and observe both their ability and your response.... sit with the discomfort of handing it over, and learn to trust over time.
#3 - People pleasing
People pleasing is also coping mechanism and similar to conditional rest in many ways, in that you are ‘earning’ your rest, but this time it’s related to other people being more important than you are, therefore they always come first and often at the expense of 'you time'. You may have learned this at an early age- that your role was to make other people happy, to fit in, to not rock the boat, to make sure everyone else was ok so that you feel ok, and even as a trauma response to keep yourself safe. It may sound like:
“I've just got to do this for Sarah first”
“I've got 5 minutes, I will just give Sarah a ring and see if she needs anything”
‘I haven’t got time to rest, other people need me to do 'this' for them”
Change it up tip: Start by prioritising 5 minutes out of your day that are for you. Even if that is a cup of tea and a sit down, without your phone.
#4 - Pseudo rest
Ah, this is what we are all really good at…. thinking or pretending we are engaging in rest but potentially (and not purposefully) creating more stress! We can believe we rest, when it’s actually not true rest and likely has a whole host of conditions, and even perfectionism, around it. We sandwich restful things and are ‘switched on’ the whole way through (e.g. meditation, yoga) so we don’t get to regulate or we engage in things that ‘should’ be restful but add an element of productivity (a steep hill hike instead of a mindful walk, a dynamic yoga session)...even a good old Netflix binge has the ability to dysregulate you and disrupt sleep (I know, that sucks doesn’t it). It may play out like this:
Hypothetical interviewer: ‘Elaine, what do you do for rest?
2017 Elaine: ‘I go to yoga’ …
Reality? “I engage in high energy yoga sessions that raise cortisol and adrenaline (albeit in a healthy) that has around 5 mins of breathing at the beginning and a 5- minute lie down at the end, both of which I can’t relax into as I have rushed there and need to rush out… in fact I often skip the end altogether’.
With pseudo rest, tit's good to lead into the ‘why can’t I truly rest’ question, and the answer is often found in 1, 2 . 3 or 5...
Change it up tip: Consider truly restful activities, and allow extra time to get to and from restful activities, so that you enter into it getting the fullest benefits, and are able to switch off a little more easily
#5 - Anxiety, overthinking and neurodiversity
If you have a disordered anxiety (prolonged and without reason), are an 'overthinker' or have neurodiversity you may at times find yourself susceptible to feeling completely unable to rest or sleep ‘properly’. You may consciously know that resting ‘can’ help regulate our nervous system, but going in from a heightened state of fight and flight, or working with a neurodiverse brain, is often not possible in the ‘typical’ ways.
Change it up tip: The key here is to learn your own way of self- regulating gradually before resting, or even using it’s as your only way of calming; listening to soothing music or white noise whilst rocking or swaying; engaging in ASMR; a walk in nature; some deep breathing… and consider all types of rests and what you may need the most, and it’s super important to find something that works for you as an individual.
A little more of the how..
Understand your ‘rest resistance type’ and what you are working with (reach out to me if I can help with anything)
Build self -belief- believing you are worthy of it, without conditions
Create boundaries- say no to get your rest time in
Diarise ‘YOU’ time and schedule around it (it is difficult with kids/work/life but not impossible once you start saying no to a few things)
Make yourself a priority- it’s not to the exclusion of others; but instead the inclusion of yourself in your life
To hear more on this, Pop over to my podcast where I dive deeper into 'rest' in my latest episode, and also there is more on hyper- indepence and people pleasing in earlier episodes too. If you feel ready to be supported in your journey by me, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my website to find out more about how I can support your journey into self.
See you soon, self love seeker!
Elaine 🙌
Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theries, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.
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