Hello again my friends,
It's been a week since I spoke about rest, and needs... so here's a little 'self inquiry' for you, before we get going...
Did you get your needs met last week, beyond food, shelter, warmth and rest?
If the answer is no, you are certainly not alone.
The majority of the time it is down to self worth and/or perceived (or actual) emotional (or physical) safety...
As I don't want to to get too wordy this week, I try to keep it as simple as possible (but this is me writing, so let's see how this goes)... and today I will focus on self worth.
The wonderful Brene Brown, of whom I have learned so much, sums it all rather brilliantly (picture credited):
My take on this is 'ignoring what's going on on the inside, hiding it, and proving your value on the outside'. When we stand, and walk inside our story- our 'this is how I feel, , these are my struggles, this is what I have experienced, this is who I really am'- when you ignore that and push that down, and you got to the other extreme (avoidance) of proving your self worth externally, you'll become co-dependent on self worth that is not dependable- the career, the relationships, friendships, appearance and material worth can disappear, so you will keep hustling for more and more.
If you don't value yourself, you may keep searching for validation from others, in any way you can (the other side is leaning into to your perceived lack of worth which can mean (among other things) addictions and disordered behaviours which I am leaving out of this conversation today as its complex, but you can find out more via google on trusted health websites)
We often think we don't seek validation, but there are actually many ways that we do this, when we don't feel we are 'enough' in our world.
Validation is: checking or proving (the validity or accuracy) of something (the thing in this case is your self worth or your emotional safety)
With validation we are seeking outward certainty, and if you have that need, you might ask:
Did I do ok? Does this look ok? Is my work ok?
You may also be perceived as 'needy' but you really aren't... you have some unmet needs that has affected your ability to trust yourself and top up your own self worth.
These phrases are often coupled with insecurity (of 'self') constant anxiety and fear of being wrong/ a failure... and even if you don't say these words out loud, they are likely to exist in your mind, and you may get this validation you need in these way instead:
People pleasing- either pleasing others beyond pleasing yourself or staying small/quiet and fitting in (to be pleasing rather than displeasing) to create 'value of self'- look at how much I do for you or how 'easy' I am (instead of my real needs/opinions not matching yours)
Being over focussed on outward appearance- look at how I look (instead of who 'I' am 'not')
Over achieving- look at what the qualifications/job I have or how hard I work (instead of the 'unworthiness' of 'me' without it)
Being in an unloving/ dysfunctional relationship- look, someone loves me (instead of being me being alone so then you would know I am 'unworthy')
Overspending- look at what I have that is aligned to society/ media's version of 'success' (instead of the 'unworthiness' of 'me' without it)
Hyper- indepence- look how capable I am, I don't need anyone (instead of the unworthiness of 'self' that meant no one was around for me I had to fend for myself)
Essentially it's a 'mask' that says to the outside world: 'If I have lots of friends, a partner, a family, a nice car, a nice house, lots of nice 'things', a good education or job/career' then I am enough'...
If that were true, why as a collective don't we feel we are enough, and never have enough?'
If your self worth is completely reliant on the external value of your sum of things... you will collapse under the weight of the keeping the mask up, or buying more, and doing more to keep being more, because it will never be enough... and it can also be taken away in a heartbeat.
My own experience as being the 'poor kid, who left school with one grade C GCSE, who suddenly started getting praised at work and being validated for her capability and work ethic' lead to me being hooked on external self worth in many ways- overachieving, my appearance/ body weight control, unfulfilling/ toxic relationships I held onto 'because', people pleasing, hyper- independence ... lead to me being burned out, emotionally broken, with no clue of my own value and not sure where to turn next.
That changed of course....
And do you know what the safest bet is?
It's to have that inner reserve of enoughness; the ability to believe you are worthy and guide yourself gently back if you have a wobble.
To start you off, here is what you need right now:
To know you are enough, and always have been.
To know that the perception you had of yourself all this time isn't true
To know that the words and conditions of others weren't helpful, needed or accurate.
To know that you can say 'no' because that feels right for you.
To know that you are enough whether you have a big house or just a bed to lay your head.
To know that having a small group of friends doesn't mean that you are less worthy as a human.
To know that being single and/or childfree isn't a measure of how liked or 'loveable' you are or not.
To know that your education/ career choices aren't a measure of your success or value .
To know that whatever happened to you, wasn't an indication of what you 'deserved', and that there are shit people, and situations, that will cross our path regardless of how we perceive ourselves.
When you learn to value yourself; to self soothe in times of crisis; to ask for help knowing it doesn't make you appear 'weak or less than'; to say 'no' without fear of retribution; to have courage follow your own path instead of the 'tick box to success' one; to undo the old story and stop the hustle...life opens up in a new way....
You find clarity and inner peace.
You stop searching for that elusive 'something or someone that will make it better'
So how do you find self worth?
While it takes effort, it's possible for anyone, and I promise I will be sharing more on that next week!
To hear more on self love, Pop over to my podcast where I dive deeper into 'the self worth hustle' (out Thursday 3 Oct), and also there is more on hyper- indepence and people pleasing in earlier episodes too. If you feel ready to be supported in your journey by me, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my website to find out more about how I can support your journey into self.
See you soon, self love seeker!
Elaine 🙌
Prof.Dip.Psych MNCPS (Acc)
Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.
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