The fear of saying no

A simple guide to setting boundaries and their benefits

Ah, boundaries; a complicated yet very simple thing that becomes a barrier to living (and loving) our lives and unleashing 'who we truly are'. You may have heard of them; you may know you don't have enough....what you may not know is why you don't have them, why you fear the 'n' word and why you need to step into that fear.

'Elaine has entered the chat'

As a (former) people pleaser, I said yes a lot and didn't say no often enough. I swallowed my thoughts and feelings regularly to fit in with other people's plans and the perception they had of me (see: helpful, useful, reliable, loyal, dependable, flexible, nice, likeable..) and what that left was a burned out, frustrated, angry ball inside that needed unleashing, because I wasn't speaking my mind, or giving a voice to my truest feelings.

The word 'no', or just saying how I felt, would make me feel cringey, 'contracted' and anxious.

What was the impact?

I felt unimportant, unseen, unheard, unliked and unlovable.

My truest self was constantly hidden underneath my need to 'stay fitting in'. My self worth was rock bottom. The less I valued myself, the 'worse' life seemed to become, because I was subconsciously 'allowing' people to treat me the same as I felt....

Unimportant, unseen, unheard, unliked and unlovable.

So what changed? After working with a therapist I learned how my own experiences had shaped me; how past trauma was triggered in the present, and how my age old 'people pleasing' coping mechanisms to 'stay safe' were actually leaving my feeling worthless.

My 'them first, me second' approach combined with waiting to be seen, heard, liked or loved, without telling anyone I needed to be, left me feeling empty and alone.

Once I knew this, and started to the work to change my relationship to the past, to myself and then to the present... life truly started to change.

I no longer have these huge needs in my life; no longer waiting to be chosen, not needing to be liked or loved... the only thing I ever really desire is to be myself, and be seen and heard as me. Whether I am liked or disliked is out of my control, and I have no cause to hold on to people or situations just to feel 'validated' even when they can't treat me like a valued human.

They are now very much encouraged to 'jog on'.

And I can honestly say, through this understanding, I have now reached a new level of 'me'... it's known in the therapy concept/theory I use called psychosynthesis as the 'higher self' and in Maslow's hierarchy of needs 'self actualisation'.

It was an important part of my journey... I needed to get to the root of my relationship to boundaries, to dig a little deeper as to why I had very little, or would only snap into a boundary when pushed to my 'limit' (and having low self worth meant my capacity for taking on other people's wants and needs before my own was huge and it was only when I 'broke' that I said 'no more'...but by that point I was not choosing yourself, I was forcing yourself into a decision based on others actions, which meant others always had the power).

It gave me greater understanding of how much we alter during survival and when self worth is low, which allows me to speak with greater authority in this often complex area.

My own fear of 'saying no' was for emotional and physical safety, and lived out through 'my identity'...this was created at a very young age and became a coping mechanism for many years.

When my identity was needed to protect 'me', it went to the 'people pleaser' and the little girl inside who was afraid of what 'saying no' would mean for her safety... my survival triggers meant that my inner child, the one who fended for herself, would say yes.

Yes to be the good girl.

Yes to comply and fit in.

Yes to get the paycheck as if her life depended on it.

Yes to be the hard worker whose job was always safe.

Maybe you can you relate?

Everyone has their own, unique reason for fearing no and not creating boundaries; I've learned that through my clients alongside my own experiences, but I know for sure that everyone needs more or better boundaries; they grow self worth and esteem, they create better relationships and ultimately allow you to live in the truth of who you truly are, instead of what others want or need you to be.

So let's dive in a little deeper...

You see my friends, boundaries grow and protect your self worth like a garden fence protects the grass in a garden.

Imagine, for a moment, a garden with no fence. You are in the house, looking out of the window and can see people walking all across your grass. The grass was ok to start with, but has gotten worse and worse. People can't see the damage they are doing, not caring for the lawn. Now imagine too, that you are in the house and too afraid to go out and say 'hey, this is my garden and you cannot walk across my grass and keep treating it that way'. Imagine then blaming the other people for walking across it because 'surely they should know'.

Now let me replay the sentence again, but making about humans.

Imagine, for a moment, yourself in a conversation with your boss/friend/partner (delete as needed). They are continuously asking things of you, not realising you have a life and needs. You know you don't have time (or really want) to do, and 'yet again' this means giving up parts of your life for them. Imagine too, that you are too afraid to say no because of what they might think of you for wanting to do the things you like. Imagine then blaming them other people for walking all over you and for taking advantage because 'surely they should know' you have a life and needs.

If you erect the fence, people become aware of the boundary and can honour it (even when they don't see the grass, they will understand its importance)

If you say 'no', and stick to it, people become aware of the boundary and honour it (even if people don't know why there is a boundary, they will understand its importance)

There would be a period of adjustment if, suddenly, you put up a fence in a place where people have been walking freely for a long time, people would automatically go to walk freely until they eventually bump into the fence so many times that they learn another route.

It's the same with human boundaries.

• People may not like your boundary, as it may not suit them and their lives to have you put yourself first.

• People may have got so used to you saying yes and making their lives easier that they are aggrieved that they have to make more effort.

• People may even think that you are being unreasonable because of it.. but that is on them, not on you.

Just like if you put up a fence, someone's journey to get from A to B might get longer, but they have no choice but to accept it as it's not their grass to walk on.

So how do you get to these illusive boundaries you so desperately need?

Firstly you have to step into the fear of speaking your truth (this is fundamentally who you are, what is ok for you, what isn't, what you have the energetic capacity for, what you don't, who you are in a relationship or situation and who you are not) and learn why you find saying no, or speaking up, so hard.

It's knowing why you haven't put up the garden fence

Then, you have to start creating boundaries around your truth and saying the out loud.

It's putting that bloody fence up and being prepared for what's next.

Can you really feel the fear and do it anyway?

I would always recommend you have someone to work with on this, like a therapist, coach or mentor, because often the fear is too big to push through alone or your boundary setting may not have the desired effect- often your words won't match your intention (you believe you've set a boundary but actually what you've said is peppered with language that suggests it/ you are not important) or you are met with dominant characters who won't listen and you won't know how to reinforce the boundary you'd like to set...both of which can create a negatively feeling experience which pushes you backwards.

Please be mindful that this is not to be approached in places where your safety is at risk- in an abusive situation, whether at home, work, with friends or family... you will need more support in getting your needs met and I urge you to seek help before you try and do anything that may cause any risk to you (click here for more information)

If it is safe for you, give it a try; say yes to yourself, and give it a go. In the trying you may realise what that deeper fear may be... and you may grow a deeper level understanding of you too.

Here's some handy tips if you feel ready:

Start small- say no to something that feels easy enough (and it will feel 'icky' regardless, you will get used to it)

Be super clear- no 'fluffy' language like 'would you mind if....'

Know your why- even if you don't tell the other person, remind yourself why you are being courageous (e.g. I am saying no to this so I can rest because I need that more)

What happens if it isn't honoured - if someone asks why, or simply refuse to hear you, how do you remain in your power? 'I really understand you'd like me to come, but I am going to say no this time'

Be consistent and follow it through- Don't do what you've said no to, even when it feels 'icky'... hold out, and don't abandon your needs for the sake of others

Self growth moments...

Boundaries create self worth, and self worth creates boundaries.

When you 'lack' self worth, boundaries will feel unavailable to you and when boundaries are 'lacking' your self worth will be too... this cycle will continue until you begin to raise both, and when you do, self growth will occur through not only getting your needs met, creating time and space for you, but as your self worth grows, so does your realisation of what is truly available to you, in your life.

To hear more on this, Pop over to my podcast where I dive deeper into 'boundaries' in my latest episode or if you feel ready to be supported in your journey by me, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my website to find out more about how I can support your journey into self.

See you soon, self love seeker!

Elaine 🙌

Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.